Ok sometimes I can be a little dramatic…the word forsaken is a very dramatic word. It represents isolation, barrenness, and scorn. So when I use that word I feel a little dramatic.
But in returning here and with the challenges of the aquaponics farms, the financial requirements, and the family dynamic involved, in an emotional moment last week I felt forsaken. So much promise, so much vision for what is to come. So much excitement and success in the past year with aquaponics for the Philippines and so fortunate to have family time, making memories and doing this together. But since we returned it has been quite hard with the distance and transition.
Due to seasonal changes in the Philippines, we have lost hundreds of crops, from seedlings to full-grown heads of lettuce. Mike stays up late and connects with Roni, makes adjustments and then waits. Adjustments can take weeks to monitor and see if they are working and so it is a waiting game. Now the season is changing again and it will be rainy and cold so more adjustments will have to be made. It is frustrating and hard for Mike to be so far away, for me too. The new farm has not had a full harvest yet and the seedlings continue to struggle. We had to stop production and start our crop schedule over again which stopped the selling of our lettuce which in turn caused the stop of income flow. We are now supporting the farms financially again until they can get back on schedule.
We also have the family dynamic of teenagers and the coming 2-3 years they will be working towards their own futures and destiny which may not include the Philippines. This is hard on a mamas heart because we know that we may have to stay in Canada for a season to help them along, get them established and partner with them to find their way. They struggle with their roles and worry about what they will do with their life. All of this in the midst of us following a vision and dream that we feel is God birthed and God dreamed and hold so much destiny for our family and future generations. But family first for us – always. Even though Mike would like to get on a plane tomorrow, Jakin celebrates his 16th birthday this month and we will celebrate 19 years of marriage on August 5th, and these family milestones are priorities for us over the farms and people in the Philippines.
So this past week it became hard…and in that moment this is when the word entered my mind. I felt forsaken. Here in Canada, so far away from the dreams, we began living out in reality, which needs hands-on attention. Here in a garage apartment, living out of suitcases and unsettled. Here – not there.
Then I remember…these are very small problems compared to the world around us and Mike and I have gone through much harder things in our life.
Then I remember…Jesus knows what it’s like to be forsaken and in much deeper and harder ways. He felt forsaken by His own Father! And His Father was God.
Then I remember…that even though my promises seem so far away and the answers from the prayers prayed are still making their way to me from heaven, many answers have already come to confirm the work of our hands.
I have never actually been forsaken.
I have never actually been left alone.
I have never actually been forgotten.
Just like we plant thousands of seeds every week at the farm – we too have planted seeds. It takes time for those to show fruit and we cannot give up and walk away just because the sprout is small or the hard rains have come and caused it to slow. There is a fresh place here to trust, a deeper rooting in that keeps us strong for the coming season of success, growth, and influence.
Trust – firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of something or someone. Confidence, freedom from suspicion and doubt.
Today I stand back from the emotions and the lie of being forsaken. I feel it but I do not believe it, not for a second. I have too much past experience with my God to doubt him. Too much history to second guess his plans that he lead us into and he will surely lead us through and out into wider spaces for our marriage, our family, our business and our future.
“People who don’t know God and the way He works fuss over these things, But you know God and how He works. Steep your life in God-Reality, God-initiative, God-Provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your human everyday needs will be met.”
Yes I do know my God, my Father in heaven and he is good. So I sit here in Canada and we steep. Hot water can be uncomfortable but the steeping requires it. So here we are, steeping and soaking – so when we are removed again the flavor of our life will be richer, sweeter and full of flavor for the nations we have been called to impact as a family.